Angry With God....

Hey Readers,

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes and with a heart full of lead. I am trying to wrap my head around the news that Madeline Alice Spohr died last night. She was just a baby and I am so sad right now.

I felt a piece of my heart chip off and fall into the abyss of sadness when I got the news. Did God hear it? Why did he need her as an angel in heaven?

I was busy this morning, getting Abbie ready for school and did not read the tweets about it. I went back and read today, and the outpouring of love for Heather and Mike is good to see. I wish there was more I could do, besides just love them.

I pray they have people who can offer comfort. I pray the pain and shock they must be feeling right now is dulled by love from those around them. I know it probably won't, but I feel right now that God has an obligation to them, for taking their child. I am angry at God, and He has been hearing about it all morning!

Some of you may be asking yourself, "How can you care about people you have never met?"

It is easy. I met Heather and Mike through this blog, they introduce me to Maddie. They became family in my heart, even if we did not talk everyday, trade Christmas cards, or get together. They were there for me, anytime I turned on the computer, and I hope they know I am here for them.

I have seen what a wonderful people they both are in life. I don't need to meet them in person to know who they are inside. It shines out of their eyes and smiles. Maddie was the same. She made me smile just looking at her picture.

I read about the ups and downs, the triumphs and the setbacks for their family. It was a reality show in the realness of life. There was no pretense, no hidden agenda, no wizard behind the curtain, pulling strings on a puppet. They shared all these things freely, without compensation, without expectations.

They lived life and allowed the world to see inside their hearts, minds and very souls. They reached out with their story and helped people without ever knowing it.

Knowing their story, made me appreciate some of the blessings in my life a little more. It made me hug Abbie a little harder some days. It made me forgiving of the messes she made a little more often. It has made me worry more some days when Abbie was sick.

My heart right now is gripped in fear, compassion, sadness, and grief. A confusing mix, no doubt, but still there it is laid out before you to poke and prod. I realized Abbie and Maddie were both born on November 11th.

My father used to say, "But for the grace of God, go I."

I am fighting the urge to go pick Abbie up from school and keep her beside me for the rest of my life, never letting her wander more than an arms reach. The simple thought of.... I can't even say it right now, much less type it.

There is part of me that wants to turn towards my faith and trust in God and his plan. There is another part of me questioning his existence right now. I am pissed, an emotion he gave me, so He will have to deal with my anger and hurt right now.

This struggle between the two of us, goes way back to when I worked as an EMT and saw things that haunt me in my sleep some nights. I can't understand why children ever get sick, ever suffer, ever die. It makes no sense to me, and I don't give a damn what the "Big plan" is all about.... it is just freaking unacceptable to me.

There are too many old people, suffering... who pray for release. Take them if you are short an angel!! Leave the kids to grow up and grow old.

My faith is shaken today. My heart is chipped. I will be searching for an inner peace that may not come over this... yet I pray to Him, begging him to still the waters of grief for everyone who loved her.

Heather and Mike, please know I love you both. I am here. I will be here, no matter what happens next.

I am asking my readers for a big favor, not for so much for me, but for Heather and Mike. If you are able, please contribute to one of the following in memory of Maddie.

A PayPal Account has been set up to assist Heather and Mike with any upcoming expenses. You can donate by sending money, via PayPal to: formaddie@hotmomreviews.com.

All money received will go directly to the family. As soon as arrangements have been made for the service I will post them here.

The last thing I am asking of you today is this. At some point today or tonight, spend some time with your family, love them, and remember how damn lucky you are that you have the chance to be with them.

Right now, I need to go have another chat with God and let my anger out.

Madeline Alice Spohr

November 11, 2007 - April 7, 2009

Peace Little Angel, thank you for sharing your life with the world.

Documentary... "Through My Eyes."

Good Morning Lovies,

I am having a difficult time articulating some things this morning, so please bear with me as I just start writing and we will see where the road of words takes us. You know how I get when I have a deep thought, I have to muddle through and figure out how to get it all out.

Last night I went to see a new documentary. Did not know I like documentaries, eh? Well, I do and this one was probably the best one I have seen in a long time.

{I am waiting for a friend of mine to finish her documentary up so I can have a new favorite, but until then, this one is high on my list}

As many of you know this blog has been around for a little while and seen some waves of conflict when it comes to religion. I have always had an open mind when hearing someone talk about their own spiritual journey. I have not always had the same courtesy.

The main thing I have wanted to accomplish by talking about faith on this blog is to actually get a conversation started with my readers. Those who differ on the issue of homosexuality and religion can actually have a conversation in a civil way, with love and respect, if they want to.

The wanting to talk, instead of scream, is the key here.

I have always believed that being able to tell my life story, my faith journey, and talk about my struggle with the "church" is the only way to put a face to the issue. There are so many Christians who simply do not understand, because they have never had the opportunity to have that type of discussion with a GLBT Christian.

Creating the opportunity to hear stories from GLBT Christians is the first step. It might be a baby step, but it has been taken by the Gay Christian Network.

I saw their newest documentary last night, "Through My Eyes." It was pretty damn good and exactly what I think needed to be created.

There is no narrative to set the stage.

There is no dramatic music to stir emotional responses.

There is a video camera.

There is a young man or a woman simply telling his or her story.

There is no right or wrong dictated.

There is no swaying of opinion or hidden agenda.

It is you and the person on camera.

They talk.

You listen.

As you listen, a tapestry is created. A woven story board, unfolds and you hear directly from Christians, who struggle with sexual identity. They tell you how they feel as they deal with this all encompassing issue.

What you learn about them is they have a powerful need to maintain their relationship with God. You also learn that as they struggled with their sexuality, they had no resources within the faith community to help them, comfort them, love them as they came to terms with who God made them.

You see, what seems to be lost in translation in the real world of everyday life in almost any church, is the overwhelming pain, suffering, and despair young GLBT Christians are feeling as they sit in the pews.

This film shines a spotlight on that aspect of Christianity.

There were several "giggle" moments in the film for me, as I looked back at my own coming of age, coming out story. The were moments I wanted to reach through and hug one of the kids.

I use the word "kid" because face it, I am old.

The film is about 45 minutes, which left me wanting more.

I wanted to stay a voyeur in the life of the young Christians on the screen. I want to know how it all turns out, and hear more of their truth.

I could tell you more about the film, but I would rather you see it for yourself. I think the film speaks for itself better than anything I could write here.

My hope is this film will start the conversation in churches across the country and begin a wave of change. Don't worry, I am keeping my expectations on the lower side.

But, still.... I hope.....

Mental Stability.... Well, Hogwash... I mean Hawthorne!

Hey Readers.....

It is I the "mentally unstable one." What? You have not heard the news? Really?

Well, let me share....

Back in August... as in August 2008, or we could say 6 months ago, I wrote a blog post. It was regarding our horrible experience at Abbie's old school. Keep in mind it was 6 FREAKING months ago...

Today, I get an email, linking me to a recent review of the school. I had to laugh for many reasons, but mostly for this.

The "S****tastic" reviewer writes:

"I'm really sad that one person decided to so publicly blast HMS because its a great school. I really question the motives and mental stability of someone so willing to try to trash a school where small children thrive and grow. It's unfortunate they had a bad experience or what they perceive as a bad experience, but the way that person has scatter shotted out negativity is just something time is going to have to solve at this point. The good news is that the community is stronger than ever and kids are joining every month."

Now, I am going into my mentally unstable state... ready? Sure? There is no turning back once you continue.... OK... you asked for it...

First and foremost, when the owners of the school need to email existing parents and ask them to please get on the sites and write a positive review, does it really count?

If the parents are so crazy about the school, would they not just go do it on their own, without being asked or in some cases begged?

The second thing is I signed each and every review I wrote with my real name, not a fantasy name trying to convey how "tastic" one considers one's self to be. Really? If you stand by your convictions, which seem to be rather strong... why not sign them?

I think maybe "S****tastic" watched too many episodes of "Daily Affirmation With Stuart Smalley." I have NO other explanation.

The fascinating thing for me is this, there are new parents at the school. Those new parents have no idea there was any drama at the school over the summer.... NOW, they do!

Curious minds will wonder, "what the hell is this all about?" They will try to figure it out by using the Internet, and viola... my blog is the second one listed in Google, when you type in the name of the school.

I love new readers!

Instead of just writing a positive review, leaving it at that, which would have been the best thing she could have done, she just shot the school in the foot. I have had little to no contact with anyone at the school, because basically I said what I had to say and my life moved on.

I have had several people email me about the school the past 6 months and I have directed them to the current parents, because WE moved on and I have no idea what changes, if any, were made to correct the issues that caused us to pull Abbie out.

Abbie is in a GREAT Montessori school, where there is active involvement with the parents and the parents are appreciated. She has matured and developed in ways that surprise us daily. She can count to 1100 by 100's, and 10's. She is doing simple addition, subtraction and multiplication. She is beginning to read simple words and write in cursive. Did I mention she is only 3 years old?

The reason she is able to do those things is due to the QUALITY education she is getting elsewhere. She lost so many of her social graces and courtesies while attending Hawthorne. I think because the owner of the school lacked them herself.

In case "S****tastic" decides to figure out if I responded, I thought I would address her concerns about my mental stability. Shall we define it first? Follow me....

"A state of emotional and psychological well-being in which an individual is able to use his or her cognitive and emotional capabilities, function in society, and meet the ordinary demands of everyday life."

Hmmm... yeppers, I think I might just be stable, or should I say I am "CJtastic?"

Shall we move on to FREEDOM of SPEECH? Better yet, the school is a FOR- PROFIT, (damn do they like the profit part), business. It is not a public school where, what was it? Oh yeah, "where small children thrive and grow."

If you hang your shingle out and ask people to frequent your place of BUSINESS, then you should understand that you are also subjected yourself to the reviews of said business.

If I had a bad experience at a dry cleaning store every time I tried their service, you better believe I will stop using them. I also would like to prevent other people from experiencing the same bad service I have had from them.

This is no different... don't let the "for the children," emotional weight fool you for a minute. The owners set up a business and by doing so have an obligation to their customers to provide the services for which the customer is PAYING.

If the business so weak it can't handle a bad review... you might want to reconsider your life goals and do something else. And please, stop pestering the parents to review the school, it is just tacky.

Our experience was real. The lies happened. The incidents happened. You can call it "perception" but there is no way you can undo the facts.

A staff member did threaten the infants in the infant room. There is now an official report, confirmed by the owners, on record at C.P.S.

Now ask me why? Because the parents organized and demanded it be reported. If the parents had not pushed that issue, it would have gone unreported (which is a violation of mandatory reporting) and the owners would have been fine with it never being revealed to the general public.

Would you say that is honest? Would you want your child there?

I really liked the way "S****tastic" tried to devalue my experience, first by calling me mentally unstable, and then by using the words "perceived experience." Well, I have several hundred emails (I keep everything, "just in case") and can back up my "perceived experience" with cold hard facts.

Just one last thought... After we pulled Abbie out, I met with the co-owner of the school, who tried to blow smoke up my ass for a couple of hours and then got down to the nitty-gritty of what she wanted. Basically, she wanted me to retract my review of the school. I refused, but told her that if I heard the school had actually improved and the issues were resolved to the satisfaction of the original parents, I would add an updated comment to the review stating such.

I am still waiting on a phone call from one of those parents saying, "Things are better." If I get it, I will keep my word as I always do.

On a personal note, I am a stickler for using words correctly, so I want to let "S****tastic" know the phrase should have been "scatter shot negativity." See the word "shot" is the past tense and past participle of shoot.

Oh yeah, one more thing... if you want to continue the online battle, I have all the free time in the world. I have no interest whatsoever in your little messed up daycare. I don't have any interest in you, the panic stricken co-owner or Cruella De'Vil.

However, when you publicly try to question my integrity, without something to back you up, my mental stability, without a medical report from an actual mental health professional (you should consider one for your passive aggressive issues) you should expect me to reemerge to defend myself.

I really don't care about you or your opinion, but it gives me a blog post for a day, and entertains my readers. It also keeps my blog in that #2 spot when anyone researches the school. I like that because, well, it brings more attention to the issue, which may get the parents communicating.

Communication is power and power is what you just handed me on a silver platter.

The Blog Is Still Alive....

Nope, it is not abandoned.... just not as well kept as it should be.

I have had so much going on the past few months that blogging is not a priority. Here is the run down since the last blog in September.

1. The country used good old basic common sense and did not send Gov. Palin to Washington, DC.
2. We bought a house and moved.
3. I have been volunteering crazy amounts of time at Abbie's school.

Yep that is about it in a nutshell.

I have painted a couple more pieces.














So, I will get back to blogging on a regular basis soon!

Til then, stop by from time to time and just say hi!

Sarah Palin's Idea Of Separation Of Church & State... Anyone?

Anyone at all?

Look friends, I am all for having anyone having a strong relationship with God. However, the way I see Him near me, is not the way others see Him. I don't expect people to see Him the same way.

For some God is a woman, African American, Hispanic or any other version of themselves. To me, that is the way He should be. Close and personal.

With that said, I DO NOT WANT THIS WOMAN ANYWHERE NEAR THE WHITE HOUSE!!!

The founding fathers based the Constitution of the United States with certain things in mind. One of the most important things happens to be the separation of Church and State. The risked life and limb to ensure this country of ours would be free from the say so of the Church.

Now, if you have been a regular reader of mine, you know how I feel about "Church" in today's world. Corrupt, power hungry and straying from the words of Jesus on a daily basis would be the first words from my mouth.

Here are videos of Sarah Palin talking to her church.







I would have not had an issue had she gotten up and talked about how God has worked in her life. I would not had a problem had she talked about how God has worked in her family member's lives.

I DO have a major problem with her standing up and telling people that "unless their hearts are right," things like a pipe line won't be built. The whole thing just gets me fuming so damn much I can barely think to type.

I don't have a problem with our political leaders having a strong religious conviction. In fact I think they need to find comfort in some belief system in order to make the decisions they need to make on a daily basis.

I DO have a problem with our leaders not living by the convictions they so willingly spout when they need to get elected.

Jesus was someone who stood by the poor, the weak, the sick, the afflicted. Where were Sarah Palin's words addressing those issues in her speech in a CHURCH!

Well maybe it is the fault of the church:





So, what do we end up with if this country adopts "one religion?" Will those who do not adopt the religion of choice end up discriminated against at the hands of those in power, or will those in power hide behind the old saying of "love the sinner, hate the sin?"

If America does not wake up and protect the basic principles of the original documents that created this country, we are indeed headed down a slippery slope, but not the one the "church" loves to talk about. We are headed down the path of self destruction.

I, as a believer, will be standing on the side of the rebels, just as Jesus did. I will stand by my Jewish, Muslim, Agnostic, Atheist, and Buddhist friends.

I will stand by the ones who follow God with their hearts and not their mouths!

I will stand by those who worship the things God created and I will stand beside those who have no faith. It is a right given to them free of charge by the founding fathers of this country.

Declaration of Independence

Constitution of the United States

Every politician ends their speech with "God Bless America." God has blessed this country since the world was created.

I would like one of them stand up and say what I want and that is, "God help America... we can't seem to figure it out for ourselves!"

If you go to church, be present with God and stop sitting in the pew trying to figure out how to control the government from your church pews.

If you have spirituality, but like me, not religion.... do not vote for the McCain/Palin ticket. You do not want a religious nut job in any office if we can help it!

If you do not believe in anything, please just do this dyke a favor and help keep those willing and able to discriminate against me, out of office!

Believe any way your heart desires, but Keep Your Religion OFF My Rights!

Blurred Lines, Hoops and Disengaged...

Hello fellow artists, writers, readers and lurkers.... Did I cover all the bases there? If not shoot me a note and I will include you the next go round.

It has been a busy freaking week here and I am totally ready for some serious down time. My only outlet at the moment seems to be painting, and paint I have.

Here are some I finished over the weekend. The first is by far my favorite. Can you guess which post I am painting? Am I making you dig around in that archive of mine a bit too much? Good!

Well, some of you may have gotten it, others may not have read it...

"Blurred Lines" is the name of this piece.

Emotional investment, emotional return, no savings.
Blurred lines, what I know, what I thought I knew?
Words spoken, meaning what to who and when?
Fiction, my imagination, run, don’t go, sit, roll over!


This one is "Hoops, a Reflective Pictorial"

I won't jump through hoops...
to be something you have created
in your mind...

This one has had some special meaning as of late and it took me a few days to work out how I wanted it to look.

There seem to be many types of hoops in the world, and it drives me crazy when people think others will just jump through them, with no questions asked.

I guess for me, the thought of working so hard to prove myself worthy to anyone, goes against all my convictions as to who I am. As a lesbian, I have had to prove too much to society already.

God says I am worthy, and at the end of every day, I have to simply be worthy to myself. If I can't do that, there is no way I can prove myself worthy to anyone else.

I don't jump through hoops to prove myself anymore, I am what is before you, and if that is not good enough, move along.

Finally, the last one is "Disengaged."

Disengaged completely,
from myself,
and everything.
Floating above,
watching.

I am not sure why that particular blog inspired this painting, but here it is all the same.

These are all painted on 8"x16" canvas panels. I know they look bigger in the pictures, but that is the size.

I have been trying different types of boards, canvas and material to paint, to get a feel for how the paint works into them.

I like the panels, yet I am not 100% sure how to hang them. I guess I am going to have to go down to the art store and figure it out, by talking to the cute, but weird chic, who sold me some canvas the other day?

Yep, that is exactly what needs to happen.

Now as for the "Letters to God" piece. I am looking for more participants. I have about 50 canvas strips going out tomorrow. I will mail worldwide and would love to have people from every corner of the world add a strip to the canvas.

I have the strips primed and have found that a gel pen works really well. I will be putting up a video later this week to walk everyone through it. I am adding some extra strips for everyone, so you can use one strip to find the write pen or marker. Please feel free to decorate the strips in any fashion you want, in any color you want.

If you have said you want to participate, and have put a comment in the previous post and have not heard from me already... YOU need to email me your name, and address.

I want to get the strips out in the mail this week. If I have emailed you either here, or on MySpace or sent a text message, we should be good to go.

I am pretty damn excited about this piece. I think it will be pretty cool once it is all back.

The Triplets....

See, Reader(s)... I keep my promises... Here are the Triplets I told you about this morning. I knew you would want a good giggle at my expense, so here you go.

This little gem on my left is named, "Ticky." I would have her say, "Hi Bloggers," but she does not have any lips.


This is "Tacky."

Yeah, I said it before you had the chance.

Shoot me!



And finally we have "Tipsy." Simply because you would have to be in order to like any of these....

They all look better after a few really, really strong margaritas and a couple of shots of tequila.... I promise!


Here are the three of them in the nursery.... go ahead and ask it....

"Are you sure they all have the same Daddy?"

They look a little alike... but there are some differences.


Already they are climbing the walls trying to find a way out... little ungrateful bastards of a quickie, between a fly by night painter with dreams of making it big and a canvas with a small.... well canvas!



If you, my reader(s) happen to fancy anything that I have painted and would like to own one of these, I am willing to part with them... just make me an offer and we will go from there. I need to reclaim some wall space.